Love Never Dies. Are men more fearful and willing to stay in unloving marriages? Part One.
It is always false to judge most anything with "all" as we are individuals and our characters differ for any myriad of reasons. The situations which lead us to our decisions differ as well. But, I want to share some examples, in short form, of relationships I've witnessed, some closer than others, and question why do so many men, at least that I have watched, seem so willing to stay partnered with what they know isn't providing them or their spouse the love and support they each deserve?
My Father probably didn't really know how to truly love for a very long time. He was married before my Mother at a young age, having an "oops" baby. My half brother I never knew was alive until I was 8 when he came to live with us at 17. At this point, he was a drug addict and caused great havoc on our household, most often while my Father was away on business and my Mother was left to contend with him, as well as her 3 and 8 year old children. John threw my Mother down the stairs at one point. He and my Father ended up in a physical confrontation with John going through a sliding glass door. My Utopian red brick colonial middle class upbringing. Understand, though, the suburban "Mayberry" plan had never been my Dad's plan anyway. He wanted to leave my Mother and I in Chicago when he was transferred to Detroit and this honestly would have been a better idea. My Mother was young, attractive, wanted back at the private school she taught at, she had a deposit down (family money) on a home she wanted to buy moving us out from our apartment on Lake Shore Drive and we would have moved along probably just fine. My Father's employer had other images (Mad Men career, early1970's) and my Father was only to arrive with my Mother and I in tow and we were told literally what subdivision to buy our home. My brother was born only because my Mother poked a whole in her diaphragm; he wasn't in my Dad's plan either. So my Father carried this on, hating the suburban house, increasingly hating my Mother, being abusive, having affairs, traveling an excessive 150 days a year for the entire decade we lived in Michigan. It was, I imagine, cheaper than getting out. It is a bunch of bullshit for him, or anyone else to say they did it for us. I know in their case in particular, it has only left scars I've been addressing ever since and my brother hopefully someday will begin to do so.
My parents married in 1964. I was born 5 years later. My brother 4 years following. My Father left in 1988 or 1989, but not until he had a new position that gave him a huge sign on bonus (so he could buy a condo) to do so and begin divorce proceedings, as well as move in one of his long time mistresses, who moved her career from DC to Chicago to be with him (he did pick career women and all had tended to have certain characteristics).
When things didn't work with him, the position in Chicagoland and the longtime mistress, he moved back to our home, this time to my former bedroom. He was clear that things were over, but was delaying proceeding for convenience. My Mother had fantasies of reconciliation. I knew his return was a prescription for further heartbreak and disaster and was quite vocal in my disapproval. Unfortunately, however, albeit an adult, I was dismissed with comments from my Mother like "you've always wanted us divorced" (duh..), and from my Father like "I am paying for the house anyway" (though I think technically at this point my Mother was but either way). Once my Father secured a new position, he found a new Real Estate Agent, Bonnie, and not only a new condo, but perhaps, for the first time, true love. He and Bonnie were both going through divorces at the same time, both of which I believe concluded roughly around the same period in 1991 (in my parents case about 3 years after it started) and they have been together ever since. It was a bumpy road in the beginning with my parent's fighting, my brother's issues, the contention with my family members and I and the just the introduction of new family, from a distance (I lived in Montreal then San Francisco when Bonnie entered the picture) at 21 years old but Bonnie has long been an integral part of my husband and my life.
For a man that was so strong and independent, it is clear my Father could never be alone. It is also clear that his actions continually were self motivated, often at the expense of others. I do think the latter may of what not have been as consciously known or realized to my Father at the time. I also think, like many others I will be discussing, people when dealing with their own relationships, don't always rationally think before acting.
My Father probably didn't really know how to truly love for a very long time. He was married before my Mother at a young age, having an "oops" baby. My half brother I never knew was alive until I was 8 when he came to live with us at 17. At this point, he was a drug addict and caused great havoc on our household, most often while my Father was away on business and my Mother was left to contend with him, as well as her 3 and 8 year old children. John threw my Mother down the stairs at one point. He and my Father ended up in a physical confrontation with John going through a sliding glass door. My Utopian red brick colonial middle class upbringing. Understand, though, the suburban "Mayberry" plan had never been my Dad's plan anyway. He wanted to leave my Mother and I in Chicago when he was transferred to Detroit and this honestly would have been a better idea. My Mother was young, attractive, wanted back at the private school she taught at, she had a deposit down (family money) on a home she wanted to buy moving us out from our apartment on Lake Shore Drive and we would have moved along probably just fine. My Father's employer had other images (Mad Men career, early1970's) and my Father was only to arrive with my Mother and I in tow and we were told literally what subdivision to buy our home. My brother was born only because my Mother poked a whole in her diaphragm; he wasn't in my Dad's plan either. So my Father carried this on, hating the suburban house, increasingly hating my Mother, being abusive, having affairs, traveling an excessive 150 days a year for the entire decade we lived in Michigan. It was, I imagine, cheaper than getting out. It is a bunch of bullshit for him, or anyone else to say they did it for us. I know in their case in particular, it has only left scars I've been addressing ever since and my brother hopefully someday will begin to do so.
My parents married in 1964. I was born 5 years later. My brother 4 years following. My Father left in 1988 or 1989, but not until he had a new position that gave him a huge sign on bonus (so he could buy a condo) to do so and begin divorce proceedings, as well as move in one of his long time mistresses, who moved her career from DC to Chicago to be with him (he did pick career women and all had tended to have certain characteristics).
When things didn't work with him, the position in Chicagoland and the longtime mistress, he moved back to our home, this time to my former bedroom. He was clear that things were over, but was delaying proceeding for convenience. My Mother had fantasies of reconciliation. I knew his return was a prescription for further heartbreak and disaster and was quite vocal in my disapproval. Unfortunately, however, albeit an adult, I was dismissed with comments from my Mother like "you've always wanted us divorced" (duh..), and from my Father like "I am paying for the house anyway" (though I think technically at this point my Mother was but either way). Once my Father secured a new position, he found a new Real Estate Agent, Bonnie, and not only a new condo, but perhaps, for the first time, true love. He and Bonnie were both going through divorces at the same time, both of which I believe concluded roughly around the same period in 1991 (in my parents case about 3 years after it started) and they have been together ever since. It was a bumpy road in the beginning with my parent's fighting, my brother's issues, the contention with my family members and I and the just the introduction of new family, from a distance (I lived in Montreal then San Francisco when Bonnie entered the picture) at 21 years old but Bonnie has long been an integral part of my husband and my life.
For a man that was so strong and independent, it is clear my Father could never be alone. It is also clear that his actions continually were self motivated, often at the expense of others. I do think the latter may of what not have been as consciously known or realized to my Father at the time. I also think, like many others I will be discussing, people when dealing with their own relationships, don't always rationally think before acting.
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