Two close women in my lives and the parallels and differences in their marriages

Their husbands have some things very much in common. Neither are helpful with caring for the children or helping at home. They find ways to take months, even years to finish a household project that I know my Dad (probably involuntarily bringing in my brother and myself) have done in a weekend.  Neither have a particularly good relationship with their children. Both Father's have been verbally abusive to the children; one psychically abusive. While the one the one Father still seems to hold a fairly strong bond with his kids, the other has children far less interested in his relationship at this juncture.

These men have hardly been lovers to their wives. I am not sure at least one, if not both, perhaps may have wanted to want to be but incapable. They may have made some efforts in some ways, at some times, but aren't best friends. They have used sexual demands with leverage. They have humiliated and belittled these women for years. Yet children and rings kept these smart, educated, professional women; in one case the breadwinner, together, nearly 2 decades each.

A year ago over Thanksgiving, I went to visit the 2nd of the people I speak, whom we will call Anna. We met in a beautiful oasis in Florida. We live in Los Angeles and she lives in Georgia so this starts with a huge investment on our part, both financially and in travel time.

For months leading up to this trip all I heard was how Anna's husband was not providing any support for the kids and she was putting groceries on a credit card. Yet, we were meeting in Florida for a week that cost some $2400 split between Anna, my parents and us. During the trip she talked to the kids about getting a summer week at a place on the beach. I asked ,"What do those run?" She replied, as I was anticipated just looking at the area "between $10,000 and $15,000." My husband and I travel extensively. That year, prior to our visit to meet our family in Florida, we had been to Hong Kong,  Boston and Western Massachusetts. I continued on with extended family ( with the one being the next topic of conversation) though New England and to Quebec). I went to my high school reunion in metro Detroit (also with the same person). My husband and I went to Vancouver and Whistler. I went to a business conference in Orlando (self-employed, my expense). We went to Tokyo following this trip. We spent less than $20,000 on travel for 2 for the year. Our most expensive week of that year was the week with our family in Florida. Airfares are costly that time of year, albeit it was not our overall highest that year, it was higher than we would normally pay to fly to Atlanta. We ate a home a lot during our time there and never out with everyone, but my husband and I are not used to "running to the store" and picking up $400+ worth of groceries at one time. There were 3 kids and 5 adults. We would never consider spending $10,000 for one week in one place. Granted, we own a lot of vacation ownership property (time share) which we utilize to it's fullest advantage and we are just effective planners. We also don't have 3 children in tow in our travel like both of them do.

Anna also finds ways to get weekends away with her girlfriends to places, whether friends back home in the Northeast or where one is away on business in Chicago. This isn't new, she was doing so for years before the divorce began as she was both the breadwinner and the only one that really ran anything in the home. She also is determined to get and have the things she wants overall. Perhaps her car is older than she wants, I am sure there is a list of things I don't even know off hand (never mind the dream wishes we all have), but that which she can make happen she does again and again.

Jill lives in a relatively upscale part of suburban Chicago. In reality, it is post war box community with 5000-7500 square foot lots that now have these 1800-2400 square foot homes being torn down for upwards of 5000 square foot houses that don't belong on them with many who are wealthy from perhaps hard working, but not particularly highly intellectual professions, almost all new wealth and vastly over extended. She lives more like where I did when we met and she did not like at all only that her town has a sense of town and I lived in a place made out of orchards and farms so land was vast or at least proportionate but no real "town center." She always looked down on where I lived.

Jill's husband made some incredible money for about 2-3 years. He works in the financial sector. He died like many and has held in better than most but will never see those numbers again. In some part, because, instead of encouragement, when her husband was beaten down to the grown and battered, she kicked him in the balls and emasculated him further; never really tried to help him up. She, in most honest moments, which don't come often from her, has admitted as much.

Jill had summer vacations largely planned by me for years. She had winter trips to Florida to visit her parents and likewise visits to her parents home.

Jill's husband lack of interest in travel, desire not to spend money on most things, are among many reasons they are getting divorce. Jill spent years complaining about her husband's failures to, ability to adapt, change, not have the same interests or desires, rather than just to do what she wanted like Anna. Anna never really complained about her now ex husband until she was ready to get divorced. At least not to me. Of course Anna, also found a way to also somehow still be a full time Mother and work full time and be the breadwinner in the family. Jill once said to me " it looks like I might have to be the breadwinner in this family. That is so not what I signed up for." Wow,  from someone I had mistaken as fiercely independent since we met as teenagers. That never really became the case, but she loathed the thought of it.